4 Things To Do Instead of Getting Pregnant Before You’re 4

I think I found someone who I really dislike on the Internet. That’s not how I want to start this post, but it’s how I’m feeling, and I’ll be honest. What I don’t like about this person, this Vanessa Elizabeth, isn’t her opinions, which many of you have probably seen by now, in a viral post entitled “23 Things to Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23,” but the way she has decided to react to people who disagree with her, both in the original post and in the aftermath.

The whole premise of her post is that people her age (our age, my age) aren’t mature enough to get married, which she would be right in thinking if all of her friends are as mature as she is and that’s all she’s seen. See, now I’m a jerk, too. I don’t like this girl.

I’ve been thinking about this for a few days and I haven’t been getting more articulate, it seems.

I don’t like that she pretends that she’s talking about marriage, but what she’s actually talking about is commitment. I’m in a committed relationship. By that, what I mean is that I don’t wake up every day wondering if I would like the relationship to continue, or if my boyfriend is considering ending things. He is someone who I can count on. We’re in it to win it, or we’ve already won. Sap! I’m not saying anything about marriage here, because that’s not what I’m talking about, I’m talking about commitment, and I think that’s what she’s talking about, too. While she pretends to be against people just getting married young, which I understand the arguments against (though I think that people should just let each other make their own choices and shut the fuck up about other people’s choices, but whatever), all of the things which she says are arguments against getting married young are actually arguments for staying single. They’re arguments for making out with strangers or being alone or not having a significant other to grow with. They have nothing to do with the legal/religious/meaningful/however-you-want-to-think-about-it union that marriage is. It’s about commitment. So why is she pro-single? That’s an argument that she has ignored entirely. What makes me sadder is that people who are in committed relationships have become supportive of her argument without seeming to notice that she would have them make out with strangers on the regular. She’s not pro-commitment, pro-dating, pro-love, or pro-union, she’s pro-one-night-stand, pro-single-girl. Which is fine, and people should not call her a slut because that’s stupid, but her argument is not what it pretends to be.

I don’t like her because she’s not about discourse. She deletes comments on her Facebook page which are negative and she just wants clicks, because she wants to be provocative. She’s created some image that makes no sense. Her page claims in one section to be more than just her (using “we,” as though “Wander Onwards” is some big multi-person enterprise that we should respect), claims to encourage wellness while also promoting excessive sugar and alcohol intake, claims to be about making Asia accessible to Americans while complaining constantly about the difficulties of living abroad, and is really just there to promote her as a brand. She’s clickbait. She’s a Vanessa-no-last-name-Elizabeth. She’s all sass and very little substance, which is fine, but not especially interesting, and the fact that she openly mocks her “haters” (people who try to disagree with her, usually with well-reasoned comments) and just wants ¬†more views shows that she’s not about thought or conversation. Her views matter, not yours. Which sucks, and I wish she didn’t act like that, because she’s being a jerk and making me feel like a bad feminist for daring to disagree with another woman, especially one who’s attacking The Institution of Marriage, but since she’s mean and doesn’t want people to disagree with her on her page, it’s what I’m up to. Hi.

And, anyway, I don’t like her because I don’t think she understands the human experience. I don’t like her because

  • I’ve completed 14 of the 23 items on her supposedly satirical list
  • 6 of them just made me feel sad, and they made me feel younger. They were signs that I needed to grow up
  • Some of them were more fun with someone by my side, or would have been more fun had I not been alone
  • a few made me lose someone I cared about
  • the tattoo behind my ear is blurry already and it’s only been two years. And I hope that people spend a bit more time getting to know the person they marry than they spend getting to know their tattoo artist.
  • one of the items on her list, “sign up for CrossFit,” is just her promoting her employer, which is gross
  • the 9 that I haven’t done aren’t necessarily things I’m interested in

I don’t know. Something about her just makes me so angry. I think a large part of it is that she’s in China promoting CrossFit (find me a stupider reason to be anywhere) and she seems to have decided that moving a body across the globe makes that body more valuable. Travel is great, travel teaches you about different cultures, but deciding that travel makes you a better person is classist, and idiotic. Not everyone has access to higher education, and not everyone wants lots of sexual partners. The value system that she has created in her post is interesting in that it makes the life that I’ve lived thus far “valuable” because I am a young, liberal woman who is completing a college degree, has changed religions and career paths, has lived alone and traveled, and has dated people, but it makes me angry that she values my type of life above other people’s lives. My choices haven’t all been right and they haven’t always made me happy. I’ve read some of her other posts, and she doesn’t always seem happy, either. Maybe she would be happier if she didn’t constantly attempt to validate her choices solely through negating other people’s lifestyles and promoting her own.

Maybe that’s utopian and maybe that’s stupid but maybe suddenly one day you stop thinking that you’ve made all the right choices and gain some humility. It happened to me, once upon a time. But until then, she shall wander onwards.

Love and Happy New Year,

Cade

PS please excuse the title, I couldn’t resist

Naranja y Nada

Under the dorm complex where I lived freshmen year, there are tunnels (that supposedly used to connect the entire campus instead of just the three surrounding dorms) which now are covered in graffiti. Well, actually, I don’t know if they were covered with graffiti back when they were in use too. The laundry room is down there, which I think is the only reason we were allowed to go down. Sometimes another door to another tunnel had been left unlocked and we could go exploring.

We found one room last year that just had trays and trays of rocks, labeled, stacked sloppily. We found a room full of old books. We found, on the wall, a long breakup speech written in sharpie. I doubt the person who it was intended for ever found it. And if they had, how would they have known it was for them? ¬† It wasn’t very specific

In case you can’t tell, I’m a little bit sad today. I took a red-eye back home from Seattle last night/this morning and I wish I hadn’t. I guess I don’t talk about it much, but being in a long-distance relationship is hard. We’ve been making it work (some times more so than others) for 2.5 years now though, so I guess we’re pretty pro?

Anyway, lately I’ve been thinking a lot about time. The picture above is from the aforementioned tunnels, and it made me think about what I was saying before about staying up late, all night even, for no reason.

Hours have started going faster for me, I think. Hours spent in boring lectures or MRI machines or cramped family roadtrips (dear parents, get a minivan…) seem to pass much faster than they did before. Maybe it’s because as we grow older, an hour becomes a smaller and smaller fraction of our lives? That’s maybe a bit too poetic.

My doctor says that there is a 75% chance that I will still be walking in 10 years. I think he’s kind of ignoring (on purpose) that 25% chance of me being in a wheelchair at age 28. At least I’ll be done with medical school by then, but it still seems pretty young. And I don’t get how a 30% medication (what I wrote about in my last post) is supposed to sound like a giant percentage, but 25% is supposed to sound small.

When I’m just alone at night I have to think about things like this instead of getting to sit up late talking with my boyfriend about anything and everything. I remember when we first met, we walked around Barcelona for several hours just talking and drinking an incredibly disgusting kind of orange juice. Those hours felt pretty short too. Hey love, this one’s for you. Miss you.