How to Write a Marketable BookBased on our research of actual book titles, we’ve got the formula: towering intellectual figure + everyday object.
Easy, right? Ideally the object should be one the Intellectual Figure handles every day, to enhance intimacy and mystery (the mystery of, Why the fuck would anyone write about this?) Writing the book is not really the problem, it’s the title. So to make it easier on you, the writer-to-be, we’ve created a list:
Sartre’s Springform Pan
Nietzsche’s Coffee Mug
Van Gogh’s Multivitamins
Monet’s Smartwool Socks
Hume’s Waxed Floss
Beckett’s Fingernail Clippers
Joan of Arc’s Digital Camera
Queen Elizabeth’s Wireless Mouse
Tolstoy’s Brita Pitcher
Historical inaccuracy? Why not speculate on what Joan would have photographed if she could have! A hipster self-portrait of herself being burned to death after which she tossed the camera away from the fire… Anyway, remember to add hypersexuality, insanity, and death, plus creamed herring for breakfast or whatever weird thing your Intellectual Figure tucks into his or her mouth. We all have mouths, so we want to know this stuff. Add odd habits, such as walking by the clocktower every day at noon, or always washing the left underarm first, or roasting roadkill to save money. Or building teepees out of sticks and calling them magic caves as the apocalypse arrives (apologies to Von Trier–but we would rather roll up in blankets in a closet and suck down some liquor than sit on an exposed hillside without even a sweater if the world was going to end–though the teepee was more picturesque, we grant).
Whoa–pie break. I made a chocolate cream pie last night, in a successful effort to get my father to eat carbs. He ate carbs! Unalloyed culinary triumph! Now we must have some pie. Anyway, here’s the end of our first mother-daughter-blog-stravaganza, look out for more in the future!
No, but really, I have a serious tag problem. Let me try to explain. My problem is that most of my tags are just inside jokes with myself. To be clear, these are jokes that only exist within my own head. Actually.
I think the purpose of tags (or how I explained them to my mom) (for use on her much more functional blog which you can find here) is to sort of make “topics” (tags) that people can click on in your “tag cloud” to see more posts that deal with that subject. Such as, for normal people, “family” or “recipes” or “new york city” or “roommates.” To contrast, here’s a rundown of some of my own tags that I (and only I) have found clever:
did i mention cankles?
go watch 10 movies in some air conditioning
i don’t want to share solutions with you
jk this isn’t about hipster music
omg its so dark
you have to speak spanish in order to read this post
One thing that you might note about all these “tags” (they don’t really qualify as tags) is that I don’t use them more than once. For some of them (such as “hilarity ensued” or many more that I didn’t list) this is simply because I forget that they exist. That’s right. I forget that I created a tag that (for once) could function for many posts. WHAT. This is awful. I have dug myself into a deep pit of self-referential entirely useless tags. And now I’m writing a painfully meta blog post. Forget MS, this is like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. #justkiddingthatwastheMS
And there’s a hashtag. Look at what my life has become. I need my mommy.
…. said my mother, today, after a particularly depressing meeting with a nurse. The nurse herself has MS, and I won’t be mean but let’s just say if you’re teaching other people about their health, maybe you should try to be healthy?
But really, MS does need a spokesmodel. We can be the next breast cancer. (haha health humor, fun times). I think it needs to be shown that we’re not all old. For instance, the only MS meeting in my town is being held in a nursing home. What?? There have gotta be some other teens and younger adults out there looking for some support.
Related: my parents and friends seem very surprised about my willingness to discuss my MS with people (often strangers…). But really, I’m not going to get the word out if I don’t make it personal. Nobody’s going to care about a cause until you put a face on it. And yeah it helps if that face is Christina Applegate, but really anyone young and vital would work, probably because it makes it seem more tragic.. Lucky me.