Learning Moments: Boyfriend Edition

You might recall that I’m not the biggest fan of learning moments. Today was quite the day of learning/some really sucky stuff happened. Not quite ready to talk about it yet, it’ll happen. So instead, I bring you Learning Moments: Boyfriend Edition. The main thing I’ve learned in the past year about dating is that I can’t separate my MS from my love life because that doesn’t work. The MS is permanent, so I’m really more committed to it than to any boy out of necessity. It’s inseparable from the rest of me, so if you date me, you’re dating my MS too. It sucks, but it’s how it is. And yes, this is me breaking my Don’t Blog About Boys rule in the blog post right after I promised to not do that again. With no further disclaimer, here are my Learning Moments, graciously provided by several assholes misguided young adults whose brains are not fully formed and thus I should cut them some slack.

1. If you think I’m faking my MS to get your attention, I don’t want to date you. Because a) I’m not, and b) I’m kinda smart, and realize that there are many diseases that would get more attention than Relapsing Remitting Multiple Sclerosis: the disease that makes you feel worse than you look and also c) if you have the capacity to think that about another person who you profess to love, you suck as a human being.

2. If needles make you squeamish and you don’t want to hear about my medication or my disease, I don’t want to date you. If you spend all your time on the internet and don’t take the time to even google what MS is, why am I dating you? And please, dear god, don’t ask me why I feel sick today or tell me to feel better. If you’d taken the time to google my disease, or, say, ask me about it, you’d know it has no cure. The feeling better is not a thing.

3. If you think I’m the tragic heroine in the indie movie that is your life, I don’t want to date you. My feelings for you and your feelings for me don’t mean more because I’m sick. Also, a week and a half ago, I managed to open my front door into my own face out of sheer klutziness. I am not the tragic heroine in any indie movie. They tend to be more graceful.

4. If I’m interested in you because you also have a chronic illness and I think that’s suitable common ground for a relationship, I’m an idiot, and I don’t want to date you. 

5. If my autoimmune disease is kind of a downer and like you really just wanna go out tonight, you can do that, but I don’t want to date you. Not because I don’t want you to have fun, but because I can go out most nights, and it’s sucky that the one night I can’t, I’m stuck alone.

6. If you’re not doing any of these things because you’re the most wonderful, I’m probably currently dating you. Good job, me. Progress.

Nostalgia. Because Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is one of those things that makes people think about tradition. Thanksgiving is all about tradition. At dinner, my mom quoted things that her grandfather and her father used to say at dinner when she was younger.

so it makes me think of other Thanksgivings which is mainly a positive thing

(but two years ago I fell asleep on the couch before dinner and nobody knew why)

I hate looking back and being able to see this coming.

Two summers ago my family went to the beach and the heat made me tired and I stayed inside a lot.

I want to be healthy again? Being in denial and not taking meds isn’t really going to get me there.

Oh right, that’s why I haven’t been blogging. Because I haven’t really been taking my meds. And I feel mainly stupid about it. And I’m feeling more and more angry about this whole disease thing. And discouraged. And scared. And not convinced that the meds are even going to work or do anything. And hey, doctors, if the lesions and the relapses aren’t causing long-term disability… what the fuck is?

But, anyway, things I’m thankful for (in no particular order):

  • parents who put up with me and love me and write about me and take me to get tattoo(s) and figure out IV lines for me and dressing changes for Ben and inhalers for Jacob. Being a parent in this family requires a terrifying amount of medical knowledge.
  • speaking of, brothers who are too cool for (public) school. I’m so glad we’re also friends now. I’m so glad I wasn’t an only child. I mean. Ish. It was nice while it lasted.
  • my whole collection of extended family. I love being related to you! Thanks for accepting mix CDs as gifts and the occasional strange-looking knitting and not hating me for forgetting to return phone calls and emails.
  • my friends. You’re all so wonderful. You do the best things. You’re pretty. I mean all of you.
  • trauma writing as a genre. (Thanks, Mom)
  • my professors. Smart people. Wisdom.
  • food. I love food.
  • Just a few specific collections of friends I’d like to pay special attention to (this is about to get icky and inside joke-y)
  1. Vocal Debauchery. A crazy bunch of kids with hearts full o’debauchery.
  2. Alpha Delta Phi. Way more siblings than I ever expected.
  3. International House! Where we care about important international issues and what’s for house dinner. Mainly that last one.
  4. The Keyform Krew. For making people say “oh right, I forgot your clique had a name” and for group texting and for third walls and for keeping warm, always.
  • Promethazine. Thanks, promethazine. You keep me from throwing up. Usually. It’s great.
  • deoderant. Right?
  • the Internet. Because where else could I get published?

Okay, it’s late, it’s not actually Thanksgiving anymore, and all of you are probably in food comas or carrying new food babies. Sleep well.

Things That Are Exciting

1. Getting published at Inside Higher Ed with the parentals (this is my mom!) (and this is my dad!) (not sure which online bio to pick for my dad, just picked one at random). Very exciting! Welcome to the University 🙂

2. Being back at my very own welcoming university for ITCOO (In The Company of Others) 2012! It is fantastic to be back, and I think ITCOO is going to be great (all you froshies, get excited). My fellow performers are inspiring/hilarious/great people/owners of awesome eyebrows/well-traveled/wonderful.

3. Best thing I’ve seen so far during Orientation:

while walking to Downey House, I looked up and saw two freshman boys running on a path toward a building on Wyllys. They were holding their orientation packets and going “dude, we’re so late, come on!” “ahhh I hope our advisor isn’t mad!” They then got to the building, and began trying to open the door and looking through the windows. Then one of them said “whoa, I think this is like someone’s house…” and then they both ran away. Yes, it is someone’s house. It is Michael Roth’s* house.

4. Matthew Krakaur will be sleeping on my floor tonight.


*Michael Roth is the president of Wesleyan University.


Briefly Taking A Break From Not Doing Learning Moments

“Summer has just flown” said a million people this summer. Not sure what it was about summer 2012 that seemed so fast but you know, when everyone agrees on something it might be true is a thing that people like to hear themselves say exists as a possibility. With no more platitudes (please), here’s a brief list of the things I claim to have learned this summer:

1. Rat decapitation is not my game.

2. In any episode of Law & Order SVU ever: find most famous guest star in episode. If that person is male, they did it. If that person is female, they know what happened. Or they’re about to be revealed as the worst mother character you ever heard of.

3. Related: a surprisingly large amount of semi-famous (and actually famous people) have appeared on Law & Order SVU. Zoe Saldana whattttt.

4. My baby brother (age almost 9) likes to wake up at 5AM and play computer games. Which I definitely did not learn while sneaking out of the house at 5AM. It’s not sneaking if you’re 20 anyway.

5. People who end up at my blog via google most often do so from google searches involving Ann Romney.

6. Mentioning Ann Romney in all my blog posts because of my google obsession does not make my regular readers that happy.

7. Similarly, just saying “Wes Mafia” as often as possible when discussing movies can occasionally make non-Wes-bubble folk less than happy.

8. Caring about making other people happy is not that productive.

9. My problems are “Elder Problems” (#elderproblems) because they include: organizing my knitting basket, not being able to pick a satisfactory name for my cat, not being able to drink/stay up late/go out in the heat without getting sick, and having a disease that for some reason people think is an “old person disease.”

10. Now that I am twenty, medical professionals ask me if I’m 14 instead of 12. Scoooore.

11. Our medical system is super fucked (there is no other term really, sorry Mom) and the war on women is super fucked-up (again, I know, that was twice in one blog post, I’m sorry) and Mitt Romney is a fuck-up (3!) and it’s fucking ridiculous (4…) that Mitt Romney gets away with stuff (pretending to be a cop) that Obama could not get away with. And THUS, we need to re-elect the fuck out of Obama (that one was a little unnecessary, it’s true) so that women can, ya know, have rights and everyone can have medical care and we won’t have to tell other countries that our President wears “magic underwear.” But seriously.

12. The best way to talk about trauma is honestly, because sometimes trying to be a likable narrator and trying to teach everyone Something Important does the exact opposite.

It’s 2:48AM and really, I have to stop writing incoherent late-night blog posts. But never fear, readers, the semester looms ahead (going back to campus in 8 days!!) and thus I will be writing my blog posts at normal hours in the library. As procrastination. Like a good girl. Goodnight! 

Flip Flops are for the Beach, Romney

(I think the title is funny because I’m at the beach) (nobody has to agree with me) (it’s stupid)

Things that should bother people more about Romney:

*I’m all for religious freedom and all that, but he can’t actually be a non-practicing Mormon. He can’t be the JFK of Mormonism. When you’re a Mormon, you have to go full-out. Mormons have to put their religion first, which means that we could have a President who holds something in higher esteem than our country. (wow that sounded so patriotic, who am I??) Also, they say they don’t drink coffee or tea because they don’t want to pollute their body with toxins (caffeine) but they drink Coke. That’s just cray.

**Obviously this is the thing I care most about, though I get that it’s not a universal issue. But Ann Romney, you have not beat MS. MS is not beatable. Or are the rest of us just still suffering for fun?

Google me, baby

So I’m constantly amused/surprised/bemused/horrified/creeped out/confused by my google results. WordPress lets you see the terms that people search to get to your blog and the view counts from each of those searches, which is really kind of crazy.

My list is ridiculous. It ranges from random to pornographic, with a bunch of common sense thrown in. This is kind of a throwaway post, and I’m gonna stick a cut in here because it’s really long and I don’t want it to take up my blogroll. Just thought you guys might want to take a look 🙂 Also, whoever is googling my friend Talia… why are you doing that? Stop it. We’re creeped out.

If you’re interested, click “Read more” and have fun. And keep googling random things to get to me. I love it.

Continue reading “Google me, baby”

Reunited and it feels fantastic

Greetings from collegeland! That’s right, I’m back at school for the spring semester. As I was discussing with Michael, this semester is missing something: naivete. (sorry about the lack of accent marks)

First semester of college, there was this great feeling of wow!  I’m in college now! Classes are going to be so cool! Which they were, in fact all of them were pretty fantastic. But they were also reallllly hard.

Second semester, there was still some wow! I made it through one semester! Now I’m going to try some new classes? I wonder what those will be like! To summarize, they were still really hard. Oh, and I got MS. Not relevant though.

Third semester, I managed to trick myself into being excited. Some things still felt “new,” like taking all science classes for the first time and taking cello lessons again after four years of not playing. That made me excited for the semester.

However, fourth semester has a new feeling: dread. I dread: not doing the reading and then being stressed, doing the reading and failing tests anyway, flashcards, leaving things til the last minute, days when I leave my house in the morning and don’t get home until 11, days where I don’t leave the library, days when I do leave the library when I shouldn’t (and then regret it), late nights that I can’t avoid, weeks that seem impossible, devoting too much time to my a cappella group and feeling like I don’t regret it at all….

BUT I’m still pretty happy. Why? Because my classes this semester ARE cool, even though I know that my own procrastination will make them feel significantly less cool. And, of course, I’m reunited with my awesome friends! (Thus the title of this post) Today I had a wonderful day, mainly with my friend Lisle. Lisle is the House Manager for Science Hall, and we spent the day:

a) going to the bookstore and buying all our books and then feeling really prepared

b) torturing a Subway employee (don’t ask, the story isn’t as good to tell as we thought it would be)

c) buying lots of food

d) doing “door decs” (door decorations) for her residents

e) cooking a lot of food

f) being joined by Michael, who just got in from Tokyo

g) eating a lot of food

h) seeing Kenny, who just got in from Philly

i) working on arrangements for our a cappella group

I didn’t do what I should have done, which is clean my room so I have a place to go home to (and not feel stressed and overcrowded) before classes even start. But I did a lot of things that felt fun and semi-productive. Even though I”m stressed about the semester (5.5 credits, two ADP committees, two jobs, one S&C shift, oh and my lovely a cappella group), it’s good to be back. Get at me, fourth semester. LOL @ self. #insomnia #sorryreaders #byenow