Mister Matthew Krakaur’s Birthday Card

This is a blog post. It is also Matthew “Eli Manning” Krakaur’s birthday card.

Dear Matthew Krakaur (“Kraksy”),

It has been many days since I last saw you* and I miss you dearly. On this day celebrating your birth (“birthday”), I wish I was there to watch you turn, before my very eyes, into a human being who has lived for twenty years (“twenty-something”) and anticipate that it will be very entertaining. You should probably watch it happen in the mirror just so you don’t miss anything. You have been a great and wonderful friend (“bff-sky”) and a member of my nearest and dearest group of human acquaintances (“keyform”) for now several years. You have, among other things, introduced me to many lovely songs (“Pentatonix covers”) and ideas (“call me maybe”). Were I there, I would play you a song on my large guitar (“cello”) and discuss with you the wonders of life (“beanbag time”) whilst occasionally bursting into song (“happy birthday to you!”) and harmonizing (“plush”).

Since I am not there, I am instead writing you a blog post (“self-indulgent”) and I have taken a picture for you. This is that picture:

It was blurry so I made it more beautiful (“the cartoonify feature on Gimp”). In this picture, I am holding one of the two largest and oldest rats who live in my lab (“the elders”). You may not be able to tell from this picture, but he is exceedingly large and mauled my left wrist after I took the picture (“assisted suicide”), but I prevailed. It made me very sad to hold him, as I had never done so before and hope to never do so again. It was fairly awful and he is too old and big to clean himself so he is fairly disgusting (“ohmygod”). I only did it because it is your birthday and I hoped you might find it amusing. I hope that soon I shall see you by way of a webcam (“skype soon?”) and that your birthday is exceedingly wonderful.

Affection and debauchery,


*cleaned your room and moved out all your stuff for you with Talia! and then you SAID you were going to come back for a day to pick up the remainder of your stuff which you must have done because it was necessary but you did not see me on such an occasion. This was highly uncool.



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